Earlier today I was reading a blog post of someone who I really enjoy watching on YouTube, zoella280390, who I only recently started watching but I really enjoy her, so please go check her out! But her blog post about her anxiety attacks and how they have affected her life really related to me, even though I've never experienced an anxiety attack. Thank you, Zoe, for sharing that with the world, I know it took a lot of courage.
But she related to me in the way she repeatedly talked about how these attacks prevented her from going into social situations and making new friends and basically living her life. I have been afraid of meeting new people since the 6th grade, when I first started getting acne, because I was afraid of their judgment, and even more afraid they wouldn't want to talk to me because to do that they would have to look at my face. Acne is not something that has been a light part of my life, and if it hasn't been for you either, I'd like to share in your experience and let you know: you are NOT alone.
So now finally for the background.....
Hi, my name is Abby. I'm currently on break after my first semester of college at Auburn University. I'm originally from Atlanta, Georgia, and I've lived there my whole life. I enjoy reading, painting (though I'm not good at it), science, nature, photography, and eating mint Oreo's. I have struggled with acne for going on 8 years.
I got my first pimple in the 6th grade, right under my nose, in my opinion one of the worst places to get one. They hurt. Of course I had no clue what to do and kept touching it, etc. This caused the bacteria to spread, and by the end of the school year I had acne all the way up on my forehead.
I was young and didn't take it seriously. I knew absolutely nothing about acne. I didn't know I shouldn't touch it, that I should wash my face daily, that this was a part of growing up and it was going to be around for...well...probably most of my life. And so by the 8th grade it hadn't gotten any better, only worse. I was wearing concealer daily because I was afraid to go out without it on. I went to sleepovers and slept with it on because I was afraid of how people would react to my bare face. I wore it when I exercised and sweat because even though most of it came off from the sweat, I was still scared for those minutes between the locker room and when my sweat glands started. For these reasons, I avoided sleepovers and exercise and pretty much anything that might involve my makeup being removed. Pictures were out of the question, which is why I'm looking down in the rare ones above. I became a social outcast because I didn't want to talk to anyone straight in their face. I styled my hair with bangs and refused to tuck it behind my ear, hoping to cover as much of my face as I could. Looking back, I am extremely grateful to the people who overlooked my rudeness and shyness and saw enough of the real Abby behind it all to be my friend, however grateful I was towards them.
I never tried to be mean, who really does? I was just scared of how people thought of me, and worried they thought the worst of me because my face was the worst in my class. Silly, I know, but at the time, mixed with all the other middle school insecurities kids go through, it's really not surprising. This might make me sound a bit like a bully but really I was just the girl in the corner who you might want to try to talk to but she'd just blow you off. People started to ignore me and avoid me, and I associated it with my acne. Not true, but that's what was always at the forefront of my mind, and everything in my life was centered around it.
Acne took over my thoughts and my actions and became my life.
In high school I was not used to having so many people around to talk to (I went from a VERY small private school to a public high school). People did try to talk to me, but I was so surprised and embarrassed and ashamed when they did I didn't really respond and it became very hard for me to make friends. And repeat middle school....
But the Lord wanted me to break from this habit, and he gave me people who overlooked my shyness and rudeness and hung out with me. Not to mention my amazingly wonderful friend Kate who was my right hand girl throughout it all (I mean seriously, people asked us all the time if we were sisters). But I was still acne-controlled and refused to go to things such as dances or hangouts. And during that summer I didn't want to swim, and promptly stayed indoors. Sounding familiar? It did to me, too. But this time I was making new friends and meeting new people, whether I wanted to or not. And I realized that something had to be done. That's when I talked to my dermatologist about options other than topical treatment.
I had been seeing a dermatologist since late-6th grade. All that was prescribed to me were topical treatments such as Differin, Epiduo, Retin-A, and many more I no longer have/remember the name of. I also tried many drugstore systems, such as Clean and Clear, ProActive, and AcneFree. They only seemed to dry my skin out and made it super sensitive (to the point that if there was too much sweat, sunlight, or chlorine my face stung massively) and none of them really truly worked. So I opted for the other route: working from the inside out. That was the point I was introduced to Isotretinoin, a drug that dried you up from the inside out. This stuff really works, but at a price. My hair started to fall out, my face was dry, my lips constantly cracked (people always commented on how much I loved chapstick), and I had a few mood swings (though how much of that was to be associated with being a teenager, we'll never know). All completely worth it. My skin had not been this clear in 4-5 years. Going into my Sophomore year of high school I felt great.
Ah, Sophomore year....probably the best year of high school for me. At the time, all the great things that happened to me (making tons of new friends, going new places, my first boyfriend) were attributed to my lack of severe acne. In reality it was just my attitude on life because of the lack of acne. But life was great and nothing could stop me.....except the thing that started it all.
Junior year, the busiest year of high school for all, I took on a lot. I had my first job, I joined Colorguard/Winterguard, took AP classes....basically my week was always full. Stress overload. I started to get my acne back. Right around that time, worried about why it was coming back, my boyfriend and I broke up. It was for many reasons, but I couldn't help but notice it was right when the acne showed up again. It was like a curse...the coming of acne meant misfortune. I stressed even more, and you know the rest. By my senior year I had horrible cystic acne, something I had never encountered before. I came out with scars, and still get the occasional cystic bump. And then halfway through that year, I was fired from my job.
I thought my life was cursed. I thought maybe I was being punished by God for the way I acted towards people for so long. I vainly thought at one time I was better than people who didn't have acne because I knew daily suffering and they didn't. I thought everything was hopeless, that I was a disappointment to my family, that there was no point in really trying. I cried numerous times over how my face looked and how I felt.
Depressing, right? That's how I looked at myself, too. Argh, why was I so sad all of the time!?
Now enter the college scene. I'm growing up, I've had a great summer, and now I'm starting something new. My acne is pretty under control, nothing great, but I've learned a lot since my high school years about how to handle it and what's best for my skin. But the biggest change was, even though to this day I have them, awful breakouts no longer phase me. I finally realized that life is way too short to even begin to worry about what your face looks like. There are plenty of other things that are way more important to focus on. Plus, college is a once-in-a-lifetime experience (hopefully) and I want to enjoy it to the fullest. I am no longer ashamed of my acne; I walk all around the dorm with no makeup on at night, I take it off to exercise, I take it off for sleepovers, and I am happy no matter how many pimples I wake up to on my face.
I am proud of where I am today, even though my skin will never look as good as it used to. If you've managed to read this far and last with me this long, I hope you can find inspiration in my future posts. I want to show you all how I live with acne. It's not hard, it just takes a little confidence and determination.
I leave you with a little song from a few cheeky British boys. Happy Saturday!!
<3 Lots of love,
Abby
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